


did you know butterflies drink turtle tears?

by anomenofsilence



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Butterflies, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internal Conflict, Is it real?, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mental Instability, at some point, hyunjin knew changbin, they are having fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25840369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anomenofsilence/pseuds/anomenofsilence
Summary: a boy showed up on changbin's way home asking for the drinks he was carrying, later on, it turned out to be something different.“it feels like a stupid movie scene where all the characters started dancing with some old, unnecessarily funny music at the background as if everything was totally fine. plot twist, it wasn’t. ‘hey, look at us we are taking a moment to be happy, just messing around and the movie makes you feel warmer!’ so stupid.” changbin spun hyunjin in his arms one more time, causing the latter to let out a chuckle. “in case you haven’t figured it out yet, i’m stupid.”
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 7





	did you know butterflies drink turtle tears?

**Author's Note:**

> this is my very first fic here idk if it meant anything and i'm also not a native speaker, just so you know. i would be glad if you could correct me, if anyone reads though, thank you and this is the [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/4Y6GIje3GErVRIq1Ff5BJq?si=Jy6izkbfT2GcRAgNOstpbw) of this fic, it's up to you to listen to it but i highly recommend.  
> i haven't been talking to people for months but there was this one friend i have been texting these days so talking to her helped me with the dialogues. although it sounds stupid it helped. so thank you.  
> also happy birthday to changbin! i wanted to share my first fic on his birthday since he is helping me a lot without knowing, kind of.

hyunjin would look at you and say “your dick must be sad that he is not growing as fast as you but let’s be honest there, you don’t seem to grow so fast either, so, fair enough, i guess.”  
it was a winter night, around 1 am, more specifically. changbin was heading to his house with some alcohol hanging on his arm. someone who shouted “hey shortie!” caused him to stop and try to find where the voice came from. his search ended with success since it was 1 am and the street was almost empty. a tall boy was sitting on a bench, chewing on some small stuff. he kept shovelling down the food as he looked changbin in the eye, a challenging gaze settled in his puffy eyes.  
“why don’t you come here and share your drink with me?” changbin looked at the boy carefully. his offer sounded not so sweet but the way he looked wasn’t intimidating even a tiny bit. he was wearing high belt blackish pants along with a band t-shirt on a striped long sleeve shirt. basically, he must have been freezing. changbin wasn’t thinking in that way only considering his clothes. the said boy was also shivering, his whole face was painted a dark red and he kept sniffing while trying to tighten his hands that were wrapped around his upper body. yet changbin didn’t ask anything about it, instead, he asked the most predictable question that he could ask, “why do i do that?”  
the boy laughed to himself, despite the fact that his teeth were making some pitiful and weird noises. “why don’t you?”  
changbin fixed his cap and looked down at his oversized black pants, pockets landed here and there and his converse was the cheapest thing in the entire world, however, they didn’t look so bad except all the dirt and mud that changed its colour to a terrible green like he puked on them on a daily basis.  
“because i paid for them!” he blurted out after turning his head back to the boy, he suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable under the shameless stare the tall one had been giving him.  
“i have never said you didn’t.”  
“well,” changbin frowned at the boy who sat comfortably in front of him, legs crossed and all. “i didn’t waste my money on these drinks just to let a drunkard wipe out them all. why should i share it with you?”  
“because…” the boy pressed a finger on his chin and looked away. his mouth was curved into a pout showing that he was thinking of an answer. his pout turned into a grin when he continued his sentence confidently. “…you would be serving to capitalism if you do not share it with me, man. you would be one of those puppets out there, spending their lives for making a group of people richer without even realizing.”  
changbin paused for a second. he would be lying if he said he wasn’t impressed by the latter’s words, not that he was convinced though.  
“honestly, this was a good speech, not gonna lie, but not enough for me to give you this bag full of alcohol. maybe it would work if i were some kind of communist pollyanna who believed not sharing drinks with boys was the only thing she did for capitalism.” he said, face not showing any sign of emotion other than the teasing smirk.  
the boy laughed to himself once again, changbin’s teasing voice was echoing in his head. “i wasn’t trying to make you believe to my story, i was just trying to impress you with the topic because it is always easy to make people do dumb stuff when they are exactly aware that what they are about to do is extremely stupid but it just looks sympathetic and epic, a good story to tell, so they just… agree to do it.”  
it wasn’t long after that changbin stepped right in front of the boy to hand him one of the bottles and when the latter took it from his hands, changbin was ready to leave. he walked a few steps as well, until the boy stopped him by grabbing him by his wrist, rambling something about how it was too stupid to drink alone while sitting on a bench and that he didn’t make that whole ass speech just to get a bottle of alcohol. “just drink with me.” he said, now that the blank expression on shorter male’s face seemed unbearable.  
changbin didn’t say anything against yet he didn’t confirm the offer verbally either. he just settled himself beside the boy and started drinking.  
“i’m hyunjin, by the way. i’m not saying this because i want to know your name or anything, i thought it would be stupid to think of me using ‘the boy’ constantly as the subject.” changbin let out a nonchalant laugh to hyunjin’s words. “how kind of you.” he answered.  
minutes later hyunjin came up with another question, both boys were seemingly drunk by then. “what was your destination? i mean, isn’t there anyone who is waiting for you to bring the drinks?”  
changbin murmured something that’s impossible to hear but soon, a ‘no’ became clear and that was all. hyunjin didn’t insist either.  
they sat there for more than half an hour, drinking their alcohol. for some reason, hyunjin chose to keep his distance with the bottles even though he agreed to deal with changbin in order to get them.  
they were usually silent except the times in which hyunjin’s weird-ass thoughts spilt from his mouth leading changbin to finally find the courage to speak up about the thoughts he was carrying at that moment, or maybe, the alcohol did it.  
“my dad. he was waiting for the drinks, i guess tomorrow is going to be a big fight, whatever.” he shook his hand as if he was scattering the thought away. hyunjin kept looking at the empty street for a moment, before turning his head to changbin who grimaced with disgust. “i mean, one time i paid someone to beat me up, it was refreshing, but not the best feeling, not gonna lie.”  
changbin looked at him too, but his gaze held an amazing amount of incomprehension mixed with surprise yet he didn’t say anything. he watched hyunjin’s face carefully; he did realize hyunjin’s face seemed damaged but not in the way that changbin could show. the taller had plump lips, his eyebrows were thick and his nose was a little big for his face but he didn’t find it annoying unlike his own. hyunjin’s eyes were shaped sharp and deep, maybe the reason why changbin felt this urge to add deep while explaining what hyunjin’s eyes looked like was because the way he looked at things was carrying something inside. it wasn’t more than a feeling, changbin thought to himself. it was probably because he thought of the latter as a really weird and not so sane boy that was sitting next to him, giggling to himself.  
his giggle didn’t last long though. he repeated to himself “but it must be so bad to be beaten up by your dad, i don’t know, it probably would.”  
“it is not so bad when you get used to it. i don’t think it’s too bad, nothing is too bad when you get used to it.” said changbin, then continued to drink.  
“i guess so.” hyunjin agreed.  
“think about people at war. war takes things from them every single day and it seems unbearable. but once new children were born to a world in which people they love die every day, a world they see blood, body parts that are lying on street every single day, they get used to this condition because they don’t know a world without blood and war. it’s always harder to live while carrying a dream with you. when you dream about better conditions, life becomes unbearable. dreams are what make us weak.”  
hyunjin nodded several times, he seemed thoughtful, eyes pinned onto the ground. it was dark and there wasn’t any noise around, everyone is sleeping but hyunjin was able to find few houses that were still alive thanks to his deep observation.  
moments later, he stood up and almost yelled at changbin’s face while stretching his arms “you are talking shit. now, get your ass over here, we didn’t have much time left.”  
changbin looked at hyunjin with a blank expression asking “for what?” but hyunjin didn’t answer yet he didn’t walk without saying anything like in those movies in which the character walked away thinking it was cool or something. nevertheless, changbin got up, feeling he was crashing under hyunjin’s gaze.  
they walked a bit, hyunjin’s trembles increasing gradually as the time passed by. streetlights were giving his face a soft, dim light that made his features look just like an angel’s. not that changbin had a clue on how angels looked but if they resembled something in this world, it was a high possibility that they looked like the boy in front of him who was jumping side to side, a big smile attached to his face. rationally, changbin thought.  
it was quiet, streetlights were washing the streets to an aesthetic view along with the houses and sparse trees that already lost their green.  
“saaay something tooo make this trip leeess awkwaaard!” hyunjin shouted, his arms opened as if he was embracing the night sky with full of stars.  
“you’re drunk as fuck.” changbin stated.  
“okaaay, let’s try this one. saaay something that i dooon’t knooow!” his voice was even shakier now that the weather was getting colder.  
“butterflies drink turtle tears.”  
silence.  
hyunjin glanced at changbin and maniacally laughed right after, completely losing it. he sat in middle of the street causing changbin to crouch next to him and laugh as well, just because of seeing hyunjin like that. “why?” hyunjin managed to ask even though his voice was gone, an absurd expression took the lead.  
“because they needed sodium and apparently, their usual diet does not provide them it.” said changbin, looking calm, even nonchalant but somehow grateful that hyunjin found the topic that amusing.  
“what? it’s so logical that’s silly!” hyunjin leaned in to hold onto changbin’s left thigh. he was laughing so hard, as if he heard the funniest thing in the entire world that he just couldn’t stop even after he felt tears that formed in his eyes. “changbin!” hyunjin shouted and changbin froze for a second yet he was quick to take ahold of himself. “i’m crying! i’m crying!” he straightened his back and looked at the sky, pointing his cheeks with a big smile on his lips. “hey butterflies! come to me butterflies! i have tears to give you guys some sodium!” changbin couldn’t help but let out a genuine chuckle at hyunjin’s childish excitement. he just wanted to watch drunken hyunjin’s excitement along with his bright smile, nothing else.  
“wait, do our tears contain sodium?” hyunjin asked, slightly worried probably due to the possibility of misleading the butterflies. changbin had a hard time while holding back his impulse to pinch hyunjin’s cheeks. he is just so cute, he thought.  
“yes.” changbin declared. “plus, emotional tears also contain some hormones, more than basal and reflex ones, one of them being a natural painkiller.” he paused for a second, after realizing hyunjin’s gulps from his laughing completely faded away, also realizing that he was probably making a fool of himself. “whatever.” he shook his head, however, hyunjin looked amazed. he slightly came closer in order to rest his head on the latter’s shoulder. “wow i’m impressed.” he said in such a pure tone that changbin knew he meant it.  
“i love butterflies.” after a minute or two changbin said, eyes glued to the end of the street. “me too.” hyunjin agreed while settling his head in a more comfortable, and also much closer position. they didn’t talk for few minutes; they found comfort in feeling the asphalt under their butt and resting their heads on each other, until a white butterfly landed on hyunjin’s left cheek. “changbin!” hyunjin whisper yelled, in order not to scare the little bug. “i! have! a butterfly! on! my! cheek!” taller of them made constant and weird hand movements that changbin eventually understood hyunjin wanted him to take photos of them. he rushed, grabbed his phone and took few photos in which the streetlight painted them half orange and half black. the trails of hyunjin’s tears and the white, beautiful butterfly on his cheek, right onto his cheekbone with hyunjin giggling even though he was trying so hard to keep his giggles to himself since they might bother his little friend. wrinkles appeared around the bridge of hyunjin’s nose and eyes which were squinted as a result of his giggles. he looked so innocent, so beautiful, just like art. changbin couldn’t decide whether he looked like a beautiful child or an angel, leading him to agree on hyunjin was an angel child, if that was a thing.  
hyunjin enjoyed the presence of his little friend who he named frozen till it was gone. as soon as the bug flew away somewhere in the dark, he wanted changbin to show him the photos, an amazed smile captured his lips. “you should send these to me.” he said, as if what he had just said was some kind of bright and genius idea.  
and they were walking again, kind of. both boys were jumping but hyunjin’s jumps were out of control. his arms didn’t fall to the sides of his body even once.  
“you know what?” changbin asked, continuing without giving a chance to hyunjin to look at him. “i thought it was a new panic! at the disco or fall out boy song. i mean, think about it, did you know butterflies drink turtle tears?” a short silence and both of them cracked up. hyunjin tried his best not to let his laugh get the best of him at least until he finished the sentence he wanted to form. “imagine brendon urie looking at you, deep eyes” he tried to show what he meant by deep eyes, at least there was an attempt, only causing them to laugh even more. “stop! yeah, deep eyes. he looks at you and asks, ‘did you know butterflies drink turtle tears?” he imitated brendon urie in an amusing way while asking the question and apparently it was so funny to both drunken boys that they had a hard time to keep on walking.  
“it fits fall out boy better if you ask me.” changbin said, still not in the control of the sounds he made. hyunjin stopped his weird attempts to walk properly and glanced at changbin from head to toe before answering. “i’m a bit too tall to be patrick, you know? but i guess i can count on you for this one.” and he was laughing again with changbin mocking him behind.  
“alright!” later, hyunjin looking at changbin even though it was so hard to do so as walking yet he seemed so unbothered by it. “we are almost there.” changbin looked around to see the big amusement park. “it’s cliché.” he stated.  
“it is indeed cliché yet almost no one really knows how amusement parks look or feel at night. i wondered so here i am.” hyunjin sounded a bit harsh. “well,” said changbin. “i’m letting you to take me to a closed amusement park.”  
they climbed up the barbed wire with hyunjin mumbling about how dumb it was to think that some barbed wire would be enough to keep the place ‘safe’ following by the answer “they must have thought it wouldn’t worth since it wasn’t a possibility to power the machines considering the noise and the law. the keys, most importantly.”  
“watch me.” hyunjin walked to a machine called ballerina. “i’m not going to save your ass in prison, just so you know.” the shorter declared yet he followed the latter, amazed by how the park looked at this time of the day. he heard hyunjin talking in a small tone, “honestly… i realized i want you right beside me.” he turned his whole body to changbin, who was walking behind him. “are you scared?” changbin asked with a face as if it was something so amusing. hyunjin didn’t answer, instead, he rolled his eyes.  
as soon as both of them stood in front of the controller, hyunjin stated what changbin had said earlier. “do you know how much noise this machine makes?” changbin shook his head, saying “you are talking as if you had the keys?” and he was right, mostly. “my investigations brought me to the conclusion that we don’t need any keys for ballerina ride.” hyunjin grinned causing changbin to look away, completely done with the latter. “you are what? the spirit of this amusement park or something?”  
“no,” hyunjin answered. “i’m just bored.”  
changbin leaned over the controller, careful enough not to do anything wrong. “is there a timer? unless it is going to be so boring to wait for you to end your screams.” hyunjin scoffed at his words, an insulting tone was visible in his voice. “bold of you to assume i would scream in the first place.”  
they looked at each other’s eyes with challenging gazes, hyunjin gave in first since changbin’s “i dare you.” along with his smirk seemed funny to him. a bit frustrating but mostly funny.  
“make this thing staaart!” he pointed out the controller as he was climbing onto the machine. after a minute he sat down to one of the seats, he yelled at changbin. “changbin come and help me with these stupid belts! they are moving way too much!”  
changbin approached to hyunjin and the said belts. “they are moving because they are snakes hyunjin, not belts.” he casually informed the latter, sighed. it took hyunjin a good five seconds to react which was screaming so loud that changbin felt as if he was ripped off, and hyunjin just jumped off of the machine and ran away. “no hyunjin i was joking they are not moving you’re just so fucking drunk!”  
after hyunjin indeed screamed when changbin turned the machine on, they left the ballerina ride with hyunjin pouting to death and changbin smirking intensely. they climbed up some other machines without starting any of them, just chilling here and there, laughing and joking around.  
when the amusement park seemed boring, they left for their next destination which was the seashore. changbin wasn’t a big fan of any kind of water however he wasn’t rejecting they make him feel at ease. so after realizing they were heading towards the sea, changbin didn’t say a word. instead, he glanced at his awful converse, then hyunjin’s shadow, little rocks on the street; basically everything he could observe without lifting his head, thoughts screaming to be set free from the chains of his not-so-drunken mind.  
“you noticed i called you with your name didn’t you?” hyunjin blurted out, his voice sounded like he was in pain, worried and even showing how light-headed he felt, probably because of the alcohol. seemingly, hyunjin’s alcohol tolerance wasn’t high, changbin thought, since he didn’t even drink much.  
“yes.” changbin answered yet he didn’t act on his mind that told him to ask about it, he just kept walking, so did hyunjin.  
they walked under the streetlights; the cold air had been hitting their face making them shiver for the whole time, especially hyunjin.  
“wait.” said changbin as he already started to walk somewhere certain, a garden. hyunjin looked at him blankly when he lifted the cover of a motorbike but soon, his smile grew wide, yelling “are we going to drive a motorbike?” enthusiastically. he sounded so damn excited that changbin was lying if he said he didn’t feel bad while uttering a “what the hell? of course not, i’m not going to steal a fucking motorbike.” hyunjin’s eyes became smaller but now curiosity replaced the blank expression. “then why did you lift that cover? you have something about motorbikes? like watching them?”  
“i said i’m not going to steal a motorbike, never mentioned a sheet.” changbin shook the fabric in his left hand as he was coming closer. “you are freezing, hyunjin.” he carefully wrapped the fabric around hyunjin which the latter was quick to get lost under the said sheet. he muttered a ‘thank you’ behind the cover and for some reason, changbin couldn’t help but smile secretly to the view of hyunjin being enveloped by a baby blue coloured sheet with his eyes hardly being seen.  
they kept walking until hearing the sounds of the waves continuously hitting and pulling back. suddenly lights were everywhere around the sea. unlike the neighbourhood they came from, the city was alive, even though it already passed 3 am.  
they took off their shoes before stepping on the sand; small smiles captured their lips, hyunjin even giggled a little at the sensation as they started walking.  
“sea looks beautiful at nights.” hyunjin said, not looking at changbin if only a few glances that were enough to engrave the view of the said boy on hyunjin’s mind do not count. “yeah.” changbin agreed, eyeing hyunjin for few seconds. “so do you.” hyunjin gulped after hearing the words that came from the latter but he didn’t stop walking through the seashore, seemingly thoughtful.  
they hadn’t exchanged words for minutes, both boys just mindlessly stroll along the seashore. the sea was now at their left, making calming sounds that hyunjin cherished with the boy next to him. the city lights were shining on the water along with the moon, the beach and the city were quieter than the most times, just like how hyunjin liked. he hugged the sheet around him a little more, face red and eyes bright. hyunjin didn’t restrain the impulse of walking into the water, therefore, he ran until his feet were buried into the cold water, making him feel dizzy. “c’ mere changbin.” his voice sounded clear and this time, he was cautious as he was telling changbin’s name as if he tried to sink in the feeling of saying latter’s name left in his mouth, in his heart.  
changbin followed him without uttering a word instead guiding hyunjin to hold onto his arm, making the taller’s eyes brighter, wrinkles being visible than before.  
“i do not drink.” said hyunjin, face up a little to feel the wind. changbin hummed in return, it was already obvious that he didn’t usually drink. “i had a hard time not to grimace while drinking, to be honest.” changbin grinned but his grin turned into something softer when he looked at hyunjin. his eyes were closed causing him to grab changbin’s arm tighter to walk down the shore properly. his face looked peaceful, changbin felt his heart being filled as he eyed the boy. hyunjin looked so beautiful with his long, black strands wiggle with the wind. _there was this boy,_ changbin heard himself. _there was a boy years ago, he showed up one night and that night happened to be the best treasure i have been carrying in me._ he seemed to drift away, changbin hardly realized the sorrow in hyunjin’s eyes as he looked back at him but as soon as the latter closed his eyes again just to open them few seconds later, all the sorrow was now gone.  
they were alone, the friend group at the other part of the beach seemed so far that changbin had to direct all his senses to confirm there were indeed people. so he didn’t think as he held hyunjin’s hand and turned him around not giving the taller a single second to look at him with the mass confusion his eyes would probably be holding. confusion was the last thing changbin wanted to see that night. changbin, for the first time in his life, didn’t want to worry about something, he once wanted not to think before acting and seeing the latter confused was literally not the medicine he had been looking for.  
they danced with their feet sinking into the sand with every move they made. hyunjin buried his forehead into the crook of changbin’s neck and muttered things that changbin couldn’t catch, just like a mantra.  
to changbin’s surprise, hyunjin was such a good dancer. even though he was much drunk than changbin, his moves were so smooth that changbin couldn’t help but feel like a fool although hyunjin never brought it up, instead, he seemed to be lost in his mantra, now adding some giggles to it, holding changbin tighter.  
“it feels like a stupid movie scene where all the characters started dancing with some old, unnecessarily funny music at the background as if everything was totally fine. plot twist, it wasn’t. ‘hey, look at us we are taking a moment to be happy, just messing around and the movie makes you feel warmer!’ so stupid.” changbin spun hyunjin in his arms one more time, causing the latter to let out a chuckle. “in case you haven’t figured it out yet, i’m stupid.” hyunjin kept giggling, not stopping to look right into changbin’s eyes even when the dance took him away from the latter.  
“so an old, unnecessarily funny music is what we need right now, isn’t it?” said changbin, while taking out his phone, yet not stopping to dance with hyunjin. soon, an old, unnecessarily funny music was pounding into their ears from the back pocket of changbin’s pants.  
the dance brought them into the water, splashing their pants the cold water though both of them enjoyed the company of some cold, actually freezing water in their dance.  
“you dance terrible.” hyunjin said with a grin, as if he was enjoying his partner sucking at dancing. “you are out of the rhythm hyunjin. maybe this is the reason?” asked changbin, eyebrows frowned. “screw it, seo changbin.” this slipped from younger’s mouth as if he was spitting, harsh and truly unkind, relaxing at the same time.  
changbin grabbed hyunjin by the waist and pulled him closer, again, ignoring the fact that he never told his name to the latter. it was a good story to tell just like hyunjin said, nothing more. this night would be a good memory, not knowing how hyunjin managed to know his full name would only be adding much more mystery to the story.  
he kept dancing with the tall boy, all way down to the puddle, sea, ocean, or whatever it was. they laughed and laughed till hyunjin suddenly stopped when their faces were only few inches apart.  
“don’t you wanna know?” he seemed determined and the broken expression from earlier was also there, even clearer now.  
“is it important?” changbin answered, half inquiringly, half tired yet he sounded so soft as if he wasn’t just tearing hyunjin’s heart into pieces.  
“you won’t even remember my face, will you?” changbin could ignore how hyunjin’s voice echoed in his ear over and over again, broken, just like a cat under the rain, like a lonely sunday morning, some sort of loneliness that you couldn’t bear its annoying sound of silence permeated the whole house that you would shout so, so loud to break the emptiness, both inside and outside. no, changbin could handle this but now hyunjin’s eyes were teary. hyunjin was about to cry.  
the shorter squirmed as he kept shaking his head. hyunjin slowly closed his eyes, feeling changbin’s forehead against his own. “i will.”  
the music had already come to an end showing that the funny part of their movie was already over. the sound of the waves was filling the void inside, though it was never enough but at least the said void now seemed less nauseous accompany by the birds chirping around and the sand they dug their feet into, in each other’s presence but they made each other feel uneasy by then, sick even.  
“kiss me.” eyes glued to the latter’s lips, hyunjin let out a deep breath in a way that felt he got something off his chest he had been carrying with him for such a long time.  
changbin froze.  
his drunken mind couldn’t take it in. a boy. whom he met few hours ago. a weirdo. in a charming way. charming?  
although his plan about this night was not thinking about anything, changbin failed painfully, he couldn’t run away from himself and he hated it so much that his blood turned into the same color as his converse, pure disgust started travelling under his skin, rushing to choke him, he couldn’t breathe under all the pressure. “i can’t,” he rejected, knowing once more what he was going to cause. “all these are wrong.”  
but he didn’t expect hyunjin to push him away all of a sudden, eyes burning and lips twitching uncontrollably. “we are wrong because you want us to be. you want to turn back to your normal life in which you can’t achieve shit other than having aesthetically pleasing bruisies, thanks to your lovely dad. you always act as if you are determined on going crazy. maybe you are going to watch your neighbours’ apartment again, admiring the life they have. they have a treasure and you don’t. because your dumb mind loves finding things wrong, not suitable, shouldn’t have been real. you feel uncomfortable around everything. you can’t accept the fact that your father gives you the only thing you are able to get. changbin, you are not ready to be real.”  
the void grew bigger, and then smaller, until changbin smashed his lips against hyunjin’s aggressively, almost causing the latter to fall onto his back. changbin held hyunjin tight, afraid that he was a dream, that the kiss was gonna end everything. the kiss held a lot of emotions in it, though they were anything but pure love. there was a strong desire to escape, a getaway, anger, tiredness. hyunjin felt like he was about to cry while changbin biting his lips, his tongue, moving his lips in a harsh, aggressive way. and he did. changbin was tugging at hyunjin’s shirt, almost tearing it apart, hyunjin knew changbin wasn’t aware of anything but he just couldn’t help it and as soon as tears started to get involved in the heated kiss, changbin immediately pulled away as if an electric shock reached him. he looked at hyunjin, whose crying got harder. he looked like a child that was left all alone in a huge town. he looked so, so small under the city lights, among the waves that swallowed him whole; holding onto the hem of his t-shirt, nose red and eyes puffy. his shoulders were placed near his head in a way that clearly showed he was afraid, that he wanted to disappear. hyunjin was trying to hold the voices in but small sobs just kept coming from his mouth. he looked so, so damn fragile.  
“i’m sorry.” changbin said, their faces were lightened up enough to see each other’s faces clearly but not enough to see what they had been carrying.  
hyunjin sobbing as he was swaying back and forth and near him there sat changbin, who was panting with his unhealthily shaky hands were placed in his lap, he was playing with them nonstop, cracking and biting on his fingers, and then the nails dug into everywhere, head going back and coming down steadily. they hadn’t spoken until the sky started getting lighter.  
"i sometimes feel like i'm losing my mind in this world." changbin looked at the sea that slightly taking off the night colours to welcome the sunlight. “i spoiled everything.” hyunjin said without looking at the boy next to him. “i didn’t want it to be like that.” all changbin wanted to do was to keep the boy in his arms, assuring him that it was okay not to be okay until the fragile tone in his voice vanished away permanently. he didn’t believe it.  
“hyunjin,” he blurted out the name as he was rubbing taller one’s back. “let’s sleep; i will be here, next to you, when you wake up.”  
they lay onto the sand, wrapped up by the baby blue blanket. “promise?” hyunjin asked in a tiny voice, already snuggled into changbin. “promise.” changbin was smiling while looking up to the sky. “ _i_ will.”


End file.
